My boss' voice literally gives me gas
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
