Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
