I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
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You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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