Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
