It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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