A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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