Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
