why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
