I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
