I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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