My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
