he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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