I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
