Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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