It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is Oprah even human
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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