Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
