I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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