never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
