He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
