but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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