Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
