i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
