Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
this hospital has no fireball
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
