I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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