we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
