The maid of honor just puked.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There r osticjed everywhere
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
tell me about the eggs
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