My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
