R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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