I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
