she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let's get the cat blown out
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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