You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
