my phone needs a breathalizer
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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