My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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