If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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