I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
