I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
