He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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