if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
