I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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