got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
