It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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