is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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