I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
