but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
