You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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