My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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