So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
