Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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