I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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