I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
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The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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