Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
