Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
