I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
