he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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