youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
