I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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