so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
