For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
